Monday
The hours ticked on and before I knew, T & I were waking E for family prayer before we left for the hospital. We knelt together, hugged, kissed, tickled, and suddenly T and I were in the minivan waving goodbye to E and Nana (my mom).
Last picture as a family of three.
The hospital staff was upbeat, friendly, enjoying the morning vibes, and laughing at how "put together" T and I were. I guess that's the advantage of having a scheduled cesarean. We spent the next three hours being monitored, observed, and prepped for surgery and I kept thinking, "Are we really about to have babies? This feels so planned and weird." We met our team of doctors and nurses, 11 people were in the OR for my caesarean, and I only got scared when one doctor told me the NICU doctor would be there to assess if they'd need to take the babies downstairs. The time came for me to go into the OR and T was left behind until my nurse would return to get him. The nurse-anesthetist numbed my back, laid me down, and I started to vomit... bile. I hadn't been able to eat for the previous 12 hours and boy did it feel gross. There was nothing I could do to wipe it up or move and the nurse-anesthetist kept catching it in a little bucket/bag and mopping my face off. Suddenly I noticed that they were cutting me open but T wasn't with me. I urgently asked, "Isn't somebody going to get my husband?" I desperately wanted T to hold my hand and mop my face and tell me it would be alright. The surgeon replied, "Your nurse is getting him. I'll put off the real action until he gets here." They kept cutting and pulling. T still wasn't there. I asked if someone would please get him. They gave me the same answer. Then the doors swung open and in walked T. He rushed to my side, held my hand, told me how brave and beautiful I was and suddenly we both heard a baby cry!
T jumped up and looked over the partition as they clamped, cut, and whisked Allison Hazel (Baby A) away to be weighed and measured.
A
5 lbs. 12 oz.
19 inches
Through blurry eyes we both gazed at each other and felt the same joy. In another second we heard a second, distinct cry. My eyes were running faucets and T ran over to watch them clamp, cut, and whisk Melanie Grace (Baby M or Baby B) away to be weighed and measured.
M
5 lbs. 0 oz.
19 inches
Seconds later he jumped back and said, "5 lbs!" I anxiously replied, "Who?!?!?!" and T said, "M!" She made it to 5 pounds. I felt like jumping for joy. The NICU doctor said, "They're both good sizes and are doing great, we're not going to have to take them to the NICU. Good work, Mommy!" I cried and cried and cried and then realized I was crying because I could feel them pulling and tugging and woah did it hurt. I remember the nurse-anesthetist saying, "Can you feel that?" Then the OB performing the surgery said, "She's writhing anytime we manipulate the uterus. She shouldn't be feeling this." Then I fell asleep.
When I woke up, the girls were on both my sides and we were in a recovery room. Apparently part of the spinal hadn't taken and they'd instantly put me completely under. I kept turning from side to side to gawk at my little angels. T told me how great I'd done and that Nana was on her way with E to see us. I don't remember who I held first, I just remember I couldn't quit holding and kissing them.
T jumped up and looked over the partition as they clamped, cut, and whisked Allison Hazel (Baby A) away to be weighed and measured.
A
5 lbs. 12 oz.
19 inches
M
5 lbs. 0 oz.
19 inches
When I woke up, the girls were on both my sides and we were in a recovery room. Apparently part of the spinal hadn't taken and they'd instantly put me completely under. I kept turning from side to side to gawk at my little angels. T told me how great I'd done and that Nana was on her way with E to see us. I don't remember who I held first, I just remember I couldn't quit holding and kissing them.
In post-op with A & M
Before I knew it, E was there and was elated to meet his sisters. He held each of them, told them he loved them, kissed their cheeks, and kept asking for T to let him hold them alone. It was weird, but it seemed as though he had grown-up so much in four hours. He slipped right into his "big brother" shoes and hasn't looked back. Our nurses were great and nurse Shelly fell in love with E. She made him a hospital bracelet that reads "Big Brother" and kept flirting with him. At one point, she had to go on break and so she took E with her to get him a "juice". When she returned, she was carrying a paper plate full of cake, pie, cookies, and grapes and a cup of diet coke. She told us she took E to the potluck and let him pick what he wanted. Hilarious! We let him chow down, though T tried to remove the beverage. If there's one thing E doesn't need it's caffeine. Celebration was in full swing.
E and the Big Brother bracelet
Nana and her granddaughters
Tuesday
T stayed in the hospital with me and we worked out a relay system where he would bring me M and I'd nurse her, then he'd hand me A and I'd nurse her while he burped M. When M burped, he'd change her diaper and give her to me to cuddle, then take A, burp and change, and he'd cuddle A. We'd all cuddle for about 15 -30 minutes until it was time to start feeding again and we'd switch which girl we cuddled. The nurses would check on all of us every hour taking vitals, temperatures, blood pressures and all that jazz. Both the girls had semi-low body temperatures so the nurses instructed us to have skin-to-skin time with them. That was my favorite! Both T and I would lay there with the girls' bare skin on our bare chests and we'd relax together. We got their temperatures up and all was well.
A & M sleeping together in their hospital bassinet.
Wednesday
We'd sent the girls to the nursery overnight (11PM - 6AM) and when they brought them back I was feeling the best I'd felt since the surgery. I nursed M and then T took her away to change her and burp her. As he began changing her she started to gag, he turned her over to help her get it out but she couldn't quite everything out that she wanted to. T quickly brought her to me with her syringe and I suctioned her mouth clear while he got the nurse. The nurse came in and checked her and said her lungs were sounding a bit wet after the epidsode and she'd take her to the pediatrician for a quick observation. She started to leave with M and I turned to T and said, "Don't let her go alone. Go with them and call me." The minutes turned to hours as I sat with A in my room. Then a pediatric nurse came to our room to tell me that they were admitting M to the NICU. I burst into tears and cried the rest of the morning. T stayed with M, Nana and E came to be with me and A and I cried and cried.
The NICU doctors assessed M and found that her body temperature was really low again, her bilirubin was too high, her lungs were beginning to clear the fluid from earlier, but they wanted her closely monitored and started her on phototherapy for her bilirubin. Everyone said, "We want to watch her for the next couple days and make sure she improves." Couple days. Couple days. Couple days. My heart was broken. T stayed with M for the next 5 hours while they checked her in and got her situated. Nana and E stayed the whole day because I couldn't bear to have another one of my children leave me. I didn't let A out of my arms. I felt so scared and defeated. My daughter was in the NICU and I could hardly make it to the bathroom that was six feet away. How could I be there for her? I prayed the Spirits of my dad and grandparents could hold her and comfort her and sing to her and tell her I loved her and that everything would be alright.
M in the NICU
Early that evening, T and I worked everything out so he could take me from our room on the third floor to the NICU in the basement. The girls both have monitoring devices that set off hospital alarms if they're removed from their mother. They'd taken M's away and given her one that would beep if she were taken away from the NICU. The nurses were able to deactivate mine and A's so A could stay with Nana and E in our room while we were gone. We got to the NICU and when I saw M I began to cry. There's something both wonderful and scary about the technological advancements we have. I felt comforted that they were caring for her and terrified that she wasn't being held and loved on. M's nurse, Wes, was wonderful and got all her cords unwrapped so I could hold her. We had a 30 minute time limit because then she had to go back under the lights for phototherapy, but I rocked her and started singing to her. I watched her vitals as I held her and found that her heartrate decreased 10 bpm whenever I would sing to her. It was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father to let me know that M still needed me and knew I was there.
The first time I held M in the NICU
Thursday
The next morning the nurses informed us that they'd found a way to suspend the alarm system linking A to me so that we could all go the NICU. Right after breakfast T, me, and A went to see M.
The next morning the nurses informed us that they'd found a way to suspend the alarm system linking A to me so that we could all go the NICU. Right after breakfast T, me, and A went to see M.
Me holding A and looking at M in her isolette
We spent the whole day nursing A, burping and changing her, having a nurse escort us downstairs so we could be there to bottle feed M and snuggle her until she had to go back under the lights, going back to our room and repeating the whole process.
T holding A, Me feeding M
Friday
We knew we were being discharged on Friday morning. The nurse for A told me that morning that A's bilirubin level had raised significantly and she was awaiting word from the pediatrician if they'd admit her to the NICU for phototherapy as well. Minutes felt like hours until we finally received word that A had been cleared for discharge that day. M was still in the NICU and the doctors kept telling us it would be a "couple days" before she would be leaving. The doctors and nurses had tried to arrange a courtesy stay for us in one of the parents' rooms in the NICU, but because we had A the hospital wouldn't allow it. Once A was discharged she became a "contamination issue" and would no longer be admitted to the NICU, not even to visit. We got our room packed and went downstairs to say good-bye to M. When we arrived we were thrilled to find that she had completed phototherapy. Her eery blue lights were no longer on, we got to hold her for longer than 30 minutes, and she got to wear clothes again. I think we held her for 3 hours while we fed and loved on her. Before we left, I got to dress her in a darling sleeper I'd bought while I was pregnant. Though my heart was breaking to leave the hospital without her, it felt a little better that she could at least wear the sleeper and have something from us always on her and with her.
M in the NICU when T, A and I were discharged
Driving home from the hospital found me filled with so many different, competing emotions. A was coming home. M was still there. I could hardly get myself into the car, so driving myself to the hospital to see her was out of the question. I was no going to be 25 min. away from M. I was going home to E. Lots to process.
When we got home, E was overjoyed to have things a little bit more normal, but he kept asking us, "Where's baby M?" or telling me, "Mom, I'm supposed to have two sisters (holding up his fingers). One A and One M." or retrieving his baby doll from his room and saying, "It's baby M! I brought her home from the hospital!" He adores his sisters so much and his genuine love helped me accept the bittersweet situation.
When we got home, E was overjoyed to have things a little bit more normal, but he kept asking us, "Where's baby M?" or telling me, "Mom, I'm supposed to have two sisters (holding up his fingers). One A and One M." or retrieving his baby doll from his room and saying, "It's baby M! I brought her home from the hospital!" He adores his sisters so much and his genuine love helped me accept the bittersweet situation.
Saturday & Sunday
We've been trying to help our home and our lives feel as "normal" as possible. I still don't like to let A out of my sight or out of my arms. E still asks where M is all the time. T has been chauferring me, our parents, and breastmilk to the NICU. (E isn't allowed in the NICU because he's younger than 6). We put a note on our door that essentially said, "Thanks for caring, but we're not taking visitors." I can't emotionally handle explaining the situation to people. I start crying when I have to repeat the fact that I'm home and A is home and M is in the hospital. Somewhere in there my sister became the point of contact for information on us and I'll be eternally indebted to her. It's been nice to not have to worry about getting the word out or explaining everything. Sunday, A had her post-discharge check-up with a bilirubin test. We all went to the hospital campus and E played with Nana, I loved on M for 3 hours, and T took A to her check-up. A's bilirubin levels were higher so they asked us to come back again in 24 hours for another test. The NICU doctors and nurses still tell us it will be a "couple days". T and I agree that someone should let them know that generally "couple" means two.
We've been trying to help our home and our lives feel as "normal" as possible. I still don't like to let A out of my sight or out of my arms. E still asks where M is all the time. T has been chauferring me, our parents, and breastmilk to the NICU. (E isn't allowed in the NICU because he's younger than 6). We put a note on our door that essentially said, "Thanks for caring, but we're not taking visitors." I can't emotionally handle explaining the situation to people. I start crying when I have to repeat the fact that I'm home and A is home and M is in the hospital. Somewhere in there my sister became the point of contact for information on us and I'll be eternally indebted to her. It's been nice to not have to worry about getting the word out or explaining everything. Sunday, A had her post-discharge check-up with a bilirubin test. We all went to the hospital campus and E played with Nana, I loved on M for 3 hours, and T took A to her check-up. A's bilirubin levels were higher so they asked us to come back again in 24 hours for another test. The NICU doctors and nurses still tell us it will be a "couple days". T and I agree that someone should let them know that generally "couple" means two.
E and Daddy supplemental feeding A
E and A sunbathing to help lower A's bilirubin
Monday
T and I left early this morning with A for her second bilirubin test. I picked out an outrageously spunky outfit for her so that she could feel confident and have an extra boost to help her pass her test.
T and I left early this morning with A for her second bilirubin test. I picked out an outrageously spunky outfit for her so that she could feel confident and have an extra boost to help her pass her test.
A's confident outfit
(I used to make fun of people that put ginormous flowers on the girl's heads. Now I have become one of them. While the camera angle makes the flower look huge, let me assure you that in person it is nothing but adorable.)
T took A to her second test and I stayed with M to feed and love on her. When A's test was done T came over and I sat in the waiting room with A while he went in and loved on M. After T's turn I went back in to say goodbye and sing her one more song, it still lowers her heartrate, and luckily the NICU pediatrician was there assessing her. She told me that as long as M doesn't lose weight over the next 24 hours she'll be cleared for discharge tomorrow. Two days ago M lost an ounce, but over the last day she gained an ounce and a half. She's in an open-air bassinet now and the pediatrician thought she lost an ounce because she was using so much energy to keep her body temperature up. We double dressed and bundled her and then she gained more weight. I'm desperately hoping and praying that she'll gain weight again and we can bring her home tomorrow. For the first time, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been semi-floating all day. "Couple days" finally became "tomorrow".
M in her NICU bassinet today.They took pictures of T & me and taped them to her bassinet.
Gratitude
Though they'll never read our blog and know how I feel, all our doctors and nurses have been amazing. I've genuinely felt love and concern for M from her NICU care providers and that has been a source of immense comfort for me.
Thanks to all our family and friends that has given us the space we've needed. I've never been more aware that people were thinking of us and praying for us, yet we've known that without having to worry about anything except our daughters. Thank you for being so understanding. Your support is carrying us through this.
Though they'll never read our blog and know how I feel, all our doctors and nurses have been amazing. I've genuinely felt love and concern for M from her NICU care providers and that has been a source of immense comfort for me.
Thanks to all our family and friends that has given us the space we've needed. I've never been more aware that people were thinking of us and praying for us, yet we've known that without having to worry about anything except our daughters. Thank you for being so understanding. Your support is carrying us through this.
